A short list of people I hate...

-Eli Roth
-Richard Kelly
-Drew McWeeny ("Moriarty" of AICN fame, screenwriter for Showtime's"Masters of Horror"
-Quentin Tarantino
-Kevin Smith

Why do I hate them? Simple.

They're doing it.

It. What I want to be doing. And with the possible exception of Tarantino, I think I could pretty much do it better than them. But they've got that thing, right? That combination of talent, luck, ambition and fearlessness that one needs to get to to be where they are. (That's almost three consecutive 'to's... a grammatical impossibilty!).

I'd love to know what that equation is, what the percentage of ambition vs. talent; luck vs. fearlessness is. I was recently reading the new book The Mind of the Modern Moviemaker, and I found myself alternating between resenting and being impressed with the various ways in which these disparate filmmakers conceived, executed and shilled their respective films. One thing is clear (to me, anyway): Brett Ratner is an absolute ass, Trey Parker and Matt Stone are my heroes, the Weitz brothers have got their shit together, I feel sorry for McG, and Richard Kelly is the luckiest guy in the world. It's a fascinating and quick read w/ a pretty amazing range of modern moviemakers.

I'm constantly questioning my own attributes as a filmmaker... am I good enough, prolific enough, ambitious enough... ? The truth of the matter though -- and I'm working on this, believe me -- is that I don't and may never have the answers to the these questions. I guess if the answers are yes, I'll become a successful and self-sufficient filmmaker; and if the answers are no, I won't. I suspect the answer is neither, and I've just got to come to terms with that... with who I am and what kind of tools I have. I'm definitely competent. I'm definitely smart. And I'm definitely somewhat ambitious. But smart, competent, somewhat ambitious filmmakers ain't gonna set the world on fire.

What I'm just beginning to realize is that these guys both got lucky and took huge risks... risks I don't think I'm willing to take.

That's OK.

I'm sure they have it pretty good now, but the work and sacrifices they made to get to where they are constitute an effort that's either not within me, or an effort that's simply not worth it to me. Again, that's OK. Or rather I should say, I'm getting to the place where it will be OK.

And that's OK.

I'm not willing to give up my lifelong dream of being a successful filmmaker. But I certainly am willing to compromise a bit on the scope of that success if I can continue to be a good husband, a good father, a good brother, a good son, and still be a pretty good person.

I don't really hate the guys above. In fact, I kinda like them, their work, and their successes. Good for them, right?

And good for me for starting to accept that.